'Worried about my marriage because I have no interest in sex after childbirth'

Dear Coleen

I’m a married woman aged 40 and I have zero interest in sex any more. I had a very difficult birth with our second child, and since then, I’ve had no libido.

I’ve had long conversations about this with my husband. I’m happy to stay in the marriage, as I love him and want stability for our kids, but I’m not interested in having a sexual relationship.

I even suggested to him that he could see other women, as long as it was just about sex and there was no emotional involvement. I’ve considered it carefully and I think I could cope if he kept it away from me, so I didn’t have to know any of the details.

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I think he was shocked by this idea and probably also hurt, but I can’t change how I feel.

We haven’t had sex since before our second child was born, and she’s two and a half now. It’s a huge issue between us, and he stopped trying to initiate things ages ago.

I feel bad about where we’ve got to in our relationship, but I don’t know how to change the situation. I’d love to hear any of your suggestions.

Coleen says

It’s possible that in your mind you’re linking the trauma of childbirth with sex and maybe there’s even a deep unconscious fear of getting pregnant again. But I wonder why you haven’t considered getting professional help before throwing in the towel.

This is something a psychosexual counsellor could help you with, and it’s also worth seeing your doctor, because hormonal factors could be contributing to a low libido.

Giving your husband the green light to get sex elsewhere might sound OK in theory, but I think the reality would be different. Would you really be cool about him going out to meet another woman? Would you feel jealous, and would that lead to arguments? What if a sexual relationship developed into something deeper and meaningful? I think it’s risky.

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What’s more, your husband is obviously not OK with it because he’d rather have you. Of course, it’s hard to hear your wife say she doesn’t want sex with you any more, but you’re free to have it with other people. It’s a rejection and it’s going to hurt.

I don’t really see the point of your strategy because if you separated, you could still be great friends and parents, but have the freedom to live your own lives.

But, if I were you, I’d reach out for professional help before giving up, especially if you love your hubby and other parts of the relationship are good.

I believe it’s worth trying to get things back on track but, the longer it goes on, the harder it’ll be.