Chelsea's demolition of hapless Noah leaves UEFA with questions to answer

Home is were the ark is and, like it said in the brochure, the goals went in two-by-two.

In between pulses of brief Armenian resistance, Joao Felix and Christopher Nkunku - two goals each, naturally - led a fearful annihilation at Stamford Bridge. None of boss Enzo Maresca’s starting XI is expected to get the nod against on Sunday. And in fairness, the Gunners may put up more of a fight.

But if this is elite European football, stop the : We need to get off. In case you were wondering, Noah were named after the biblical ark, which came to rest on Mount Ararat, a national symbol of Armenia.

Unwisely, they did not lower the gangplank on Broadway and park the boat, and the floodgates soon opened. One day, UEFA may care to explain how ritual slaughters like this belong in one of their mainstream competitions. It was embarrassing.

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If the pairs of lions, tigers and elephants who boarded Noah’s monsoon cruise had known it would end like this, they would have waited for the next ferry. Noah and their 3,300-capacity Abovyan stadium do not belong at this level.

Nor do Chelsea, whose presence in the Europa Conference League only goes to show how low you can go by spending £1 billion to finish seventh. As for the football itself, Maresca handed a first start to 18-year-old Tyrique George, and the young winger did fine.

But in his wildest reveries he could not have dreamed of being afforded an entire postcode to himself on his full debut. And the goals? Tosin Adarabioyo’s header from Enzo Fernandez’s right-wing corner and Marc Guiu, seizing on Goncalo Silva’s kamikaze pass, opened their accounts for Chelsea inside 13 minutes.

Then Axel Disasi, stooping to head home another Fernandez corner, made it three before Joao Felix dinked a nice finish over Noah keeper Ognjen Chancharevich. That was 4-0 after 21 minutes.

Chelsea’s record 13-0 win in Europe, against Luxembourg stooges Jeunesse Hautcharage in the Cup Winners Cup 53 years ago, already seemed within range. Noah were so poor that even £88 million misfit Mykhailo Mudryk got in on the act six minutes before the break - a rasping 20-yard shot into the top corner - before Felix grabbed his second 90 seconds later.

Six up at the break, the Blues had already equalled their biggest win under - against last season.

And the second half was drifting along in a pall of anti-climax until Christopher Nkunku’s ninth goal of the season, after 69 minutes, broke the tedium, and then came the big controversy.

Yan Eteki was harshly adjudged to have fouled Kieran Dewsbury-Hall and Nkunku potted his second from the spot after VAR intervention. Visiting coach Rui Mota was having none of it, and he was right. Noah wuz robbed.

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